someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
