Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize