my mouth tastes like poor choices
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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