Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
