Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
