Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
