so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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