Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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