if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
