the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
