that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
