What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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