lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
