8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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