smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
