Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
