Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize