i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
