I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
