I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize