your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
