that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
