we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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