I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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