i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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