i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
