I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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