never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
