Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize