She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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