well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
