My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
