Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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