you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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