I murdered the dance floor call the cops
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
