Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
