Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
