Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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