I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
