I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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