Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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