My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
