she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
