Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize