He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
