Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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