i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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