omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
