The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
