I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
not ubering you a puppy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
