I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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