Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
