So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize