she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
