so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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