Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
