I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
