god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
420 ftw
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
